"I live in a crucible between impressive success and miserable failure when it comes to personal discipline" -Gary Thomas in his book, 'Every body matters'.

I am in a state where I feel very defeated and the hard truth is that my body is affecting my soul and my spirit.

I know that God wants me to overcome this battle over my increasing weight. He wanted me to stop turning to food for that comfort and company instead of Him and of people that I could have built strong relationships with. He wants me to stop desiring chocolate and have hard conversations with God and with people who have hurt me. God wants me to stop pretending that I have no time to take care of the one body that He has entrusted me with and face the reality that I have grown very soft.

I was actually on a diet two week ago for 4 days as initiated by devi attai. I am thankful for that person to walk the journey with me and it did really help me. But soon after, everything was gone. I am back eating whenever and whatever I like. There is no nutrients inside the food that I eat. I have caught the flu bug twice during the past two weeks.

There is also something that I have learnt about myself and my knowledge about God's grace. Although I understand the definition of grace, I by no means understand the application of grace in my life. Hence I have been approaching my journey to healthy lifestyle with a deficit of grace :/ the motivating power of grace in this broken world is missing in my life and that might be the reason why I always feel awful and defeated

Also absent is the moderating power of grace. Alongside Mrs. Grace, Miss Perfectionist takes pride in flawless performance. If she ever makes a mistake in her work, she berates and flagellates herself. She carries this legalistic perfectionism into her relationships with God and others, resulting in constant disappointment in herself, in others, and even in God.

I never saw myself as Miss Perfectionist. But in many ways, I fit the description. If I ever make a mistake in my diet, I berate and flagellates myself. I carry this legalistic perfectionism into my relationships with God and other, resulting in constant disappointments in herself, in others and even in God. This also applies to my quiet time. After realizing that the best time to do quiet time is in the morning and have pursued the legalistic notion that that's the best and the only time that God would be pleased if I do quiet time. Hence, I have realised that this is one of the contributing factors to why my relationship with God has taken a downhill road. If I missed having my quiet time in the morning, I would consider that the entire relationship for that day is gone and that my next chance is the following morning when really, GOD IS MORE INTERESTED IN OUR HEARTS AS COMPARED TO THE TIMING WHEN WE DO QUIET TIME. However, I do understand that by doing quiet time in the morning, it does show one's heart attitude that one puts God first above everything else. But I am reminded that when I was a young christian, I used to have my daily quiet time in the night just before I slept and it was during those times, that I grew in my faith. I am also reminded that my Ellel counsellor told me that she was awaken by the Holy Spirit in the middle of night so as to spend time with God. This shows that one can spend time with God anytime. Thank you dear God for dealing with my perfectionist attitude. May I operate in Your grace and not by my own strength. 

Back to my journey to health, it is really time that I take full responsibility of my eating habits and exercise patterns. I am still reading the book now.