a loss

Thinking about my grandmother. 

The one who took care of me when I was an infant, the one that I don't seem to have many memories of, the one who sounds a bit funny but cooks very well. The one who is somewhat cross eye and has extremely curly frizzy hair, the one who calls and wants to talk to me, the one who calls my name in a very special way and the one who passed on without me having a chance to say goodbye. Nothing could have prepared me. I woke up that Saturday morning and little did I know, sadness emerged and guilt creeped in. Seven months in, the sadness formed a thick layer and the guilt has enveloped me it, lying under the disguise of other things. 

But thank you God for bringing this up, allowing me to fill the sadness, overwhelming sadness and giving me a chance to grieve for the grandmother who I did not know so well but is part of me. Thank you for the aunty that told me that we are allowed to feel sad and angry. One day, I will see her in heaven and will have the opportunity to ask for forgiveness and will be able to enjoy long walks with her and share stuff with her. 

“I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, hoever, turns out to be not a state but a process.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

 It was an irrelevant reply and weirdly, a symbolic one. And I hated to say that. 
I didn't even think about it much. 

Ezekiel's wife died. 

I don't know how he deals with it and how he is not suppose to grieve like all the other men and instead, fastened his turban, eat normal food and groan softly. That's what God told him to do. In fact, God specifically said that He was going to take awy the delight of his (referring to Ezekiel's eyes) which obviously means that his wife was a precious darling to him. 

And so why? 

I don't know 

What about Ezekiel's feelings and heartbreak and sorrow and pain?

Does that matter? 

Isn't he a human with all those feeling. 

Does God care about his heart. 

this is really a late night musing. 

I NEED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL AND BE SUPER DREADFUL TIRED. or else my mind wanders like a dementia patient, going back in circles.