here I am here, again

 The trend of posting in this blog is like twice a year.

I have too many socials, too many relationships, too many commitments. 

But I have grown. A LOT. 

Sometimes, I don't even recognise myself. I am happy with these changes but also wondering what's installed for me. 

I am changing job next year, thank you God. 

Something feels amiss. Is it my lack of good habits? It is hobbies. I think it's hobbies and doing something meaningful with my time. Is it the addiction to social media or food? Is it that I have too many social (back to my first thought) What is it? 

Anyway, I saw this instagram post that spoke to me. 

Wait, am I overstimulated with too much information. 

My thoughts seems haphazard. 

If you are out of shape or sorts, it means you've accepted being average. The most contrarian thing you could do is get your body in shape. Getting fit is the one thing that most people just can't seem to do in their lives and accomplishing it makes you above average.

I just want to be and feel healthy and right now, I am far away from it. 

 

The past, a sigh, raised head towards heavenward. 

How did I live the past 30 years? 

What did I do to sustain myself? 

Day by day, a friend reminded me and it stuck with me.

Thankful for the national day break. Had time to recuperate, that's a very kind way to say it. I am thankful that I did not need to see my colleagues and had a break from work. 

I feel guilty, do I need to see and talk to someone. 

Mentally, I want to move on and live. Emotionally, I have stagnated, unable to move. Although, slowly and very slowly, I am inching forward. Small thing have helped me. 

Am I too obsessed about getting the bod. Actually I really want to be happy. 

I thought of moving forward to a new blog. 

Start a new life, a new chapter, a new season. Say bye and leave all these bad memories that I painstakingly wrote. But these are the stuff that made me who I am. 

I hate to ask it, but sometimes, I wonder where is God. 

Pastor shared last Sunday that we have to remain faithful and persevere on. Is there a happy ending? Is our happy ending eternity? Is that what we have to look forward to? Can I survive till then? Am I missing something important, Lord? Where has my faith gone to? 

Day by day, day by day, day by day, 

 It was an irrelevant reply and weirdly, a symbolic one. And I hated to say that. 
I didn't even think about it much. 

Ezekiel's wife died. 

I don't know how he deals with it and how he is not suppose to grieve like all the other men and instead, fastened his turban, eat normal food and groan softly. That's what God told him to do. In fact, God specifically said that He was going to take awy the delight of his (referring to Ezekiel's eyes) which obviously means that his wife was a precious darling to him. 

And so why? 

I don't know 

What about Ezekiel's feelings and heartbreak and sorrow and pain?

Does that matter? 

Isn't he a human with all those feeling. 

Does God care about his heart. 

this is really a late night musing. 

I NEED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL AND BE SUPER DREADFUL TIRED. or else my mind wanders like a dementia patient, going back in circles. 

  Read an article titled ' 5 Reasons You Shouldn't Freak Out When You Turn 30' 

The author was trying to be encouraging. 

https://summerdaes.tumblr.com/post/649722722045378560

 “Because the terrible thing about becoming an adult is being forced to realize that absolutely nobody cares about us, we have to deal with everything ourselves now, find out how the whole world works. Work and pay bills, use dental floss and get to meetings on time, stand in line and fill out forms, come to grips with cables and put furniture together, change tires on the car and charge the phone and switch the coffee machine off and not forget to sign the kids up for swimming lessons. We open our eyes in the morning and life is just waiting to tip a fresh avalanche of "Don't Forget!"s and "Remember!"s over us. We don't have time to think or breathe, we just wake up and start digging through the heap, because there will be another one dumped on us tomorrow. We look around occasionally, at our place of work or at parents' meetings or out in the street, and realize with horror that everyone else seems to know exactly what they're doing. We're the only ones who have to pretend. Everyone else can afford stuff and has a handle on other stuff and enough energy to deal with even more stuff. And everyone else's children can swim.”

― Fredrik Backman, Anxious People

 The hardest thing about reaching 30 is not knowing what God has planned out for me. 

God reminded me through John 10 that He is my good shepherd. 

He does not need to climb over the fence or sneak in. He can confidently walk into the sheep pen through the gate, which the watchmen will open for Him. Unlike humans who have binocular vision; sheep have a narrow field of binocular vision and a wide peripheral field of monocular vision, hence not having good depth perception. However, most animals and including sheep have a well developed sense of hearing and thus, "the sheep listen to his voice" (verse 10:3b). Also, the shepherd knows His sheep by name and would lead them out. 

I guess in application and through reflection, I have to accept my place as a sheep, with terrible depth perception; perception of the future but have the potential to have good hearing. More importantly, there is a good shepherd who knows me and will lead me as I hear this voice and follow me. 

In to the unknown 

late

A lot of things makes me sad. I don't think I'm ready for adulthood. Sometimes I am glad that I am responsible for only myself and other times, I am sad that I am responsible for only myself and wish that I'd more responsibilities. Life's weird that way. 

I used to have feeling or sensing that happiness was fragile and after a few days of enjoying the bliss of happiness, I will wonder how it can be knocked over and shattered into tiny pieces. How I will have to pick up the pieces of happiness and try to piece them together or sometimes, I will let the pieces remain as how it was, hurting people more as they step on it. 

As I grow older, I am poignantly more aware of how desperately sad the world is. 

If I was a wave, I would have had multiple blows.

It is the unclear waters thats makes me uncertain.

Something spectacular and freeing about being me. 

                                     I will walk away. I will walk away. I will walk, away and away. 

                                  

The bitter after taste is painfully similar. 

 

The devil knows that inactivity, laziness or failure to exercise our will for doing good can throw us into an ultimate defeat.

Attended 3 classes of groundzero, following the encouragement from Vera and Mdm. Louis to do something new and different and to aim to be at an optimal weight
Day 4

The struggle is real

Friend

Being a good friend

There were times last year that I felt a sense of regret of the friend I was, during my secondary/JC days, the friends that I ignored or left for a new friend and the aches and pains that I have caused due to my selfishness. So this time, I am learning to connecting more and often, more deeply.
Jesus was such an amazing friend who loved his friends aka disciples till death on the cross and was even willing to forsake them when they betrayed his trust or left him when He needed them the most. I am so happy that Jesus is my friend. Please will I be a friend like Jesus, a friend to Jesus and a friend that reflects Jesus


Jonathan Edwards reflected deeply and often about true joy. Look at how he connects our happiness and friendship: “The well-being and happiness of society is friendship. ’Tis the highest happiness of all moral agents” (Works, 23:350). Edwards was a deep thinker. He was precise with words. He was a faithful pastor and theologian. When he claims that friendship is our highesthappiness, I wonder: Why do we not seem to think or speak about friendship that way?
https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/you-wont-make-it-alone

Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.


Warning to me to not allow my tongue to warm itself with the fire because least I know, it will catch fire and burn. 

:( 

"The gospel gives us hope that all sin, even nagging sins, can be both forgiven and subdued. But because sin has such persistence and power, we must be vigilant in our struggle against it. As John Owen puts it, “If sin be subtle, watchful, strong, and always at work in the business of killing our souls, and we be slothful, negligent, foolish . . . can we expect a comfortable event?”

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/four-steps-to-kill-nagging-sins

Feeling very disappointed at myself and wondering how I became a leader of two ministries with me, being myself. I don't want to take the grace and mercy of God cheaply. I want to repent, resolve and remember. But some times, my resolve fails. 

Drinking and thought

" Drunkenness may expose and unleash things deep inside of you, but it doesn’t have any good news for the darkness that emerges. It will show you all of you, and then soothingly promise that laughing at what you see will make it all better.

The gospel also exposes that secret side of you, but then it frees you from you. Instead of drowning yourself in something that numbs the pain and blurs reality, why not drown yourself in the grace that will åforgive and heal what’s broken and hidden inside of you? "

Thinking of the possibility of quitting drinking.

Forsaking drunkedness is not just a tag line for a Christian but really, a path to become a more whole and happier person. Everytime, after I drink, I feel a sense of hopelessness and guilt, knowing that I have allowed alcohol to control me instead of the Spirit of God. 

"Putting on the Spirit, rehearsing the good news, exercising self-control, and serving each other within a community of believers are not ways we become less ourselves, but ways in which we rid ourselves of sin — of our old selves — in order to become more of who we were designed to be. In drunkenness, we retreat and surrender to sin inside of us, accepting that broken me is the real me I’ll always be. In the Spirit, we cleanse and advance ourselves with real truth, grace, hope, and joy, not artificial and expiring counterfeits."

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/drunk-you-is-not-the-real-you

I spent 1 hour figuring out my blog template. So many judgemental thoughts filled my mind this moment. My left shoulder is aching. My mind think about the half watched movie, 'inception'. My heart questions me on why I chose to be online rather than do my quiet time. My mind wanders to another things, wondering how did the prophets of old became so close to God. My stomach stares at me at disbelief. Don't ask why.  In 4 hours time, I will be making my way to the primary school.



I sing this song,
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.