I say this every time, without fail, whenever I get to this page- that it's been such a long time since I was last year. I wonder what motivated me to write so frequently in the past? Where can I find that motivation. 

Life has become a ball of complexity and I miss the simplicity of life years ago. Do I want to get back to that kind of simple life? Do I want to strip away the bits and pieces of life that seem to create a sort of excitement but also, some anxiety in the process? Are these parts necessary for life or have they made my life so much more complicated and complex? 

A huge part of me wants to go back to that time. 

mood

 

Asha Lemmie, Fifty Words for Rain

 Another book to break my heart and question myself, why did I ever start 

“Her favorite thing about God was that He was the one person she was allowed to ask questions. In fact, this privilege delighted her so much that she hardly even minded that nobody answered her.”

I honestly remembered very little about it but I read it in context, something like it, since I read it in Japan and the book was set in Japan. Ah the book was captivating and I found it both difficult and easy to put it down, depending on the chapter, I suppose. 

The cruelty of what she had to go through and her choice at the end, whatttt, why would she make that choice? I cannot understand why people would willing choose to put themselves in such situation when honestly, I am very certain there would be a better way to do so. 

However, this is not, never was far from reality. I have met people, some close to my heart, who willing puts themselves in such 'brutal' and 'cruel' situation for some greater good, or so they think. However, it's not like in a war or anything, it's primarily because of their beliefs and values, which are, in my opinion, a bit warped. Sometimes, they use the name of God or religion - but my modern mind cannot take it. Why would God want you to be in that situation, that abusive situation? I use the word abuse quite lightly but I believe that abuse is really an umbrella term for many unjust actions that take place in the context of a relationship. Space and boundaries are things that are missing in one's lives. 

I am not spared from this. I struggle with putting boundaries with people, especially people. This year, it was hard to do so, the backlash was great. I am still reeling from it and one of the things that I have needed to do, is to make space and be silent. People need to respect other people. 

During invigilation, I was thinking of some aspects that I would consider negotiable - the thing that surfaced or have risen to the top was respect. I am praying that I meet someone who respects people. 

Saturday night

 A lovely Saturday 

It is one of those days, when my emotions are jumbled up. But it's a good day. 

Spend the earlier part of today in church understanding the church's direction for 2024. Ahhh again, the realisation that the year is ending has hit me. Then went for lunch with with a April to upper thomson, ah OneManCoffee, they do make very delicious coffee. Then came home and took a nap and here I am, blogging, because well, I miss doing it. But obviously, not missing it enough to do it regularly. 

Anyway, I am toiling with the idea of starting a blog to review cafes, it will just be a like a mini project which I think will be very helpful in carving out some sort of direction for my life. 

I am trying to get away from the demands of social media and find a space to express my creativity. 

 In Christ, everything is going to be ultimately, gloriously, eternally, inexpressibly, wonderfully okay. Therefore, Jesus says to you and me, right now, right where we’re at, “Do not be anxious.” He says this knowing our past, our temperament, the seriousness of our current crises, and how intense we fear the possible dread may become reality.

This is how I feel :( :/ :( :/ 

Help me to stop thinking about it. I don't know why l has to feel this way, so uncertain, fragile, unclear, indirect. 

I want certainty.

But I know God is moulding me to be a woman after his own heart, a woman who is secured and understands what it means to know that God is in total and complete control over all the steps in one's life, steps that have been initiated by others, steps that have been taken by myself and steps in which I find myself. 

There is no shame. God is with you. God will take care of you, God will settle it for you, God will turn the sad parts for His glory and for my sanctification. God is with me, through the ups and downs of life and He will always be with me. 

It's okay to cry and grief. 

It's okay to desire and not have that desire met

It's okay to make mistakes  

It's okay to try and sometimes, fail. 

At night

 ahhh why is it so hard? So distracting? 

"There’s only one solution to anxiety: the assurance everything is going to be okay.

But the world gives us no such assurances. We find ourselves surrounded by myriad real dangers resulting in an endless list of “what if.” It’s no wonder human beings are so afflicted with anxiety. And our anxieties only increase our misery by adding countless imagined dangers to the very real ones in front of us" 

- https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/talk-to-god-about-your-anxiety

Read of 2023

 Another heart wrenching book to knock me over 

“That was when Baba stood up. It was my turn to clamp a hand on his thigh, but Baba pried it loose, snatched his leg away. When he stood, he eclipsed the moonlight. ‘I want you to ask this man something,’ Baba said. He said it to Karim, but looked directly at the Russian officer. ‘Ask him where his shame is.’ They spoke. ‘He says this is war. There is no shame in war.’ ‘Tell him he’s wrong. War doesn’t negate decency. It demands it, even more than in times of peace.‘”

- The Kite Runner by Kahled Hosseini

 Making the decision to change something about your life or lifestyle isn't easy. First, you have to admit that you need to do it; that usually involves admitting to yourself that you've been doing something wrong. After that, you need to put your thoughts into action; with that comes good days and bad days. Heck, I've had a lot of bad days! But each of the changes I have made are ones that will help me live a longer, much happier life, so I know the hard work and bad days will be worth it.

Life is what you make of it. You are in control of everything you do. Don't make excuses or blame other people for things that you have the ability to change.

https://www.huffpost.com/archive/ca/entry/the-only-motivational-blog-post-you-need-to-read_b_5298611

“If you don't like where you are, change it. You're not a tree.”

― Jim Rohn

Another read

 “But, by careful observation from the sidelines, I’d worked out that social success is often built on pretending just a little. Popular people sometimes have to laugh at things they don’t find very funny, do things they don’t particularly want to, with people whose company they don’t particularly enjoy. Not me. I had decided, years ago, that if the choice was between that or flying solo, then I’d fly solo. It was safer that way.”

- Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine

 I am going to set an alarm to post more regularly. 

Honestly, gratefulness: Thankful for watching the NDP together, it was nice. Went for a long walk and got to play tennis and walked like 15,000 steps. All my efforts towards weight loss. Although I know, I know that weight loss is primarily about what I eat. 

(This was suppose to be posted in Aug)

The past, a sigh, raised head towards heavenward. 

How did I live the past 30 years? 

What did I do to sustain myself? 

Day by day, a friend reminded me and it stuck with me.

Thankful for the national day break. Had time to recuperate, that's a very kind way to say it. I am thankful that I did not need to see my colleagues and had a break from work. 

I feel guilty, do I need to see and talk to someone. 

Mentally, I want to move on and live. Emotionally, I have stagnated, unable to move. Although, slowly and very slowly, I am inching forward. Small thing have helped me. 

Am I too obsessed about getting the bod. Actually I really want to be happy. 

I thought of moving forward to a new blog. 

Start a new life, a new chapter, a new season. Say bye and leave all these bad memories that I painstakingly wrote. But these are the stuff that made me who I am. 

I hate to ask it, but sometimes, I wonder where is God. 

Pastor shared last Sunday that we have to remain faithful and persevere on. Is there a happy ending? Is our happy ending eternity? Is that what we have to look forward to? Can I survive till then? Am I missing something important, Lord? Where has my faith gone to? 

Day by day, day by day, day by day, 

Am floating away, like a paper plane. Crafted carefully and locked in with neat folded lines. Shot through the air, aiming high and having a clear direction but halted by the weather. The wind sweeps it away, causing it to overturn, slowly plummeting to the ground, unaware that its current state, facing heavenwards is causing it to welcome a slow death. Then the rain, the paper soaked and slowly withering. 

Then, a mighty eagle sweeps in and clenched it tightly with his sharp beak. It hurts but not as much, not as much as the other days. I feel secured, weirdly, despite being held so tightly. I relaxed. I am broken anyway. As I relaxed, I feel the piercing pain lessening. Something about it feels comforting and familiar. I am held together by the warmness of its beak. at times, it makes me wonder if babies feel the same way, when they are tightly wrapped in their mothers' water bag. 

But I am torn and tattered. There's no flight or fight in me. Let me fall please. I heard a loud call. It was a response, a rebuke. I felt wet once again, but this time, the drops of water did not reduced me to wet paper. Every drop formed a crystal on my form. it covered the cracks in my wings and smoothens the roughness in my tail. 

Why? Why does the eagle want to hold the paper planes? What does the eagles want to do with it?  I can't even begin to compare both the eagle and the fake plane. I can't even comprehend it. 

 Is it so hard?

Why is there so much of uncertainty? 

Should I let go? 

Were there signs that I have conveniently ignored? 

I am doing this thing again where I worry and get upset. I am asking myself again and again if I am invoking God in the wrong way or am giving excuses for the behaviour. I hate to admit it but there is a strong feeling about this but am I wrong? Is this my heart trying to find any way to hold on tightly to this? 

Once again, yet again, the second, no third, no fourth time. 

What is actually the problem? 

I have a list, two columns. It's time for me to revisit the list. 

Am I saying one thing but holding on to another thing, so closely clutched to my chest and that's the problem. 

I am not sure I can go through this again

Hopeful promises are soul food.

We must eat to live. Faith eats and digests God’s promises and this produces hope.

So in Psalm 43, when the writer exhorts his soul to “hope in God,” he’s preaching to himself by saying, “Listen, soul! What are you afraid of? Have you forgotten the glorious future God has promised you? Do you believe your threatening circumstances are stronger than God? Get your eyes off your troubles and remember the Source of your hope! Eat, soul! Eat God’s promises!”

And this is what you and I must do as well. When our soul is in turmoil, God does not want us to be passive. We must pray, yes. But sometimes we need to stop praying. We need to stop listening to our soul recite its fears. Then is when it's time to preach to our soul. Fear is an indicator that our soul is hungry for hope. And the only foods that will really nourish and sustain the soul are God’s promises.

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/if-you-feel-overwhelmed-eat

 Tired, of thinking. 

The life now we have is so uncertain, plagued with horror stories and now we have to continue living and taking care of the current needs. 

We, buried dreams
Laid them deep into the earth behind us
Said, our goodbyes
At the grave but everything reminds us
God knows, we ache
When He asks us to go on
How do we go on?

We will sing, to our souls
We won't bury our hope
Where He leads us to go
There's a red sea road
When we can't, see the way
He will part the waves
And we'll never walk alone
Down a red sea road

Red Sea Roa

If He wants me to go alone, to the mission field, I will go. I am not alone. 

And with His righteousness, across your chest

Salvation for your head

The belt of truth, around you now

With the shield of faith in hand

And with His peace, upon your feet

Everywhere you go

His word will be the sword you keep

You're covered head to toe

 "Do you think you can stick it out?" I asked him, and he answered, without hesitation, "Ma'am, I'm a Calvinist!"

He knew that I would understood what he meant by that. You and I are Calvinists too, in that we believe in a God who is in charge. We are not for one moment of our lives at the mercy of chance. Walt say the timing of his proposal, his own graduation from seminary, your graduation from college, as among "all things" that work together for good to whose who love GOd. He saw the pattern of duty that lay before you both and took it to be the will of God, so that the power of his own emotion to weaken his resolve was not a threat. He knew, as the psalmist knew, "my flesh and my heart faileth, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. "I am grateful that God has given you a man like that. 

- Let Me Be a Woman, by Elisabeth Elliot. 

Seasons

Why do they all do the same things? It makes me wonder and doubt? It makes me think or imagine that there's some sort of scheme going on and I am the pawn. Ah, the kind that makes you feel numb because processing the feelings are too complex and well, just hard. I've spent four months, feeling all sorts of emotions and then, silence, unable to continue and face the reality that we are different and we have been accommodating each other. I want to ask God, what He is teaching me through this. But I am afraid that it's my own blindspots that have led me to this. But then again, there is always a lesson learnt right? 

I guess, that relationship revealed to me what was most important to me. And also how likely I am able to compromise on these things, if not for the grace of God that has protected me. The realisation has hit me, like a strong wind against my face, strong but necessary, strong but at the same time, comforting as it brings about a wave of understanding of how God works, in very unexpected ways. 

Now, it is slightly different, slightly less ambiguous, more open and upfront, still very scary, feels surreal and there's a part of me that thinks that this will end up in the mud. 

"Do not be afraid" Did I hear correctly? Or am just thinking what I want to think at that moment? 

The God, who has brought me through many way harder moments will bring me through this extremely delicate and important season of my life. He will provide the grace, strength and wisdom as I walk in fear of Him. I do doubt His presences at time, projecting my world views on the Eternal God. But this time, I want to walk in faith and trust that the God that I love and trust and hope in, will walk with me through all the seasons of my life. 

 Reading did help me grow. 

Not reading sucked. 

The unmeasurable love of God 

" Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the great deep. O Lord you preserve both man and beast." Psalm 36:5-6

"I am a feeble scribe working with scant ink and a very small scroll" - None Like Him by Jen Wilkin

A day to meditate upon the infinite love of God. The day to acknowledge that I am measurable and God is not. A day to realise that God measures everything that is humanly impossible to measure. And to rest in the knowledge that I can rest in this God

 A new year

New commitment to do new things and continue with good ones and let go ones that are bringing you down. 

Thankful to God because really He is all that matters.

Thankful for the 6km walk with Him. He made my day so much better. 

a loss

Thinking about my grandmother. 

The one who took care of me when I was an infant, the one that I don't seem to have many memories of, the one who sounds a bit funny but cooks very well. The one who is somewhat cross eye and has extremely curly frizzy hair, the one who calls and wants to talk to me, the one who calls my name in a very special way and the one who passed on without me having a chance to say goodbye. Nothing could have prepared me. I woke up that Saturday morning and little did I know, sadness emerged and guilt creeped in. Seven months in, the sadness formed a thick layer and the guilt has enveloped me it, lying under the disguise of other things. 

But thank you God for bringing this up, allowing me to fill the sadness, overwhelming sadness and giving me a chance to grieve for the grandmother who I did not know so well but is part of me. Thank you for the aunty that told me that we are allowed to feel sad and angry. One day, I will see her in heaven and will have the opportunity to ask for forgiveness and will be able to enjoy long walks with her and share stuff with her. 

“I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, hoever, turns out to be not a state but a process.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

 The problem is that I am from a dysfunctional family, work in a dysfunctional job, and am surrounded by neurotics, with whom I fit perfectly. - Joseph Tetlow, SJ.

This made me smile. So true 

Stop trusting in your feelings, Spirit lead me. 

 Finally, it's the end of a semester filled with managing expectations from myself and from others and learning how to disentangle myself from these expectation. Another very tough month to endure. God is not making it easy again. But He always provided and protected me. 

Also, finally decided on a research question for my paper due in three week's time and that will mark the end this year's studying. Ah, it was a pretty gut wrenching time to study and work at the same time. 

Every night, I lose the ability to hope for the best. It's like the day has depleted all the cheerfulness and joy and now, in the dark, you try to find something to hold on and that pretty much leads me to spending time with God. I do see my spirit and being lifted out from the rubble. What is most interesting is that most of the time, I think I can get myself out of it. 

I am going to finish reading A Thousand Splendid Suns and disclaimer, do not read it if you have a weak heart. You heart will BREAK. One of the most tragic tales and I actually had to force myself to finish reading it. 

I am not sure if the abuse mentioned is as real as it is. I think it is la. Sigh. Sometimes, you don't want to believe because you just don't want to believe. 

It is very frustrating to read the novel because it is extremely heart aching to know that the ending of the book is far from the reality of what women in Afghanistan experiences today. There is no more liberation from the American or possible warlords fighting over the land now, its the Taliban who are ruling. 

“A woman who will be like a rock in a riverbed, enduring without complaint, her grace not sullied but shaped by the turbulence that washes over her.”

- Khaled Hosseini, ‘A Thousand Splendid Suns', 2007.

 I couldn't see it. But God came through for me. 

It's not a mighty story, but one from a weak and humbled place. 

I always underestimate the time needed to do my work and still wanting to honor my commitments with people, I put myself in a tough spot. But God sent the rain and everything was cancelled, allowing me to carve out time to finish my work and rest early. 

I marvelled at the God who sees me and helps me. 

God sees the single woman celebrating at a friend’s wedding, lonely and longing for her own. God sees the wife who suffers abuse at her husband’s hand, feeling devoid of ways to address it. God sees the youth abused by the authorities in her life. God sees the single mom overwhelmed by the needs of her children and herself. God sees us when we are depleted, undone, and afraid.

https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/god-sees/

 It was an irrelevant reply and weirdly, a symbolic one. And I hated to say that. 
I didn't even think about it much. 

Ezekiel's wife died. 

I don't know how he deals with it and how he is not suppose to grieve like all the other men and instead, fastened his turban, eat normal food and groan softly. That's what God told him to do. In fact, God specifically said that He was going to take awy the delight of his (referring to Ezekiel's eyes) which obviously means that his wife was a precious darling to him. 

And so why? 

I don't know 

What about Ezekiel's feelings and heartbreak and sorrow and pain?

Does that matter? 

Isn't he a human with all those feeling. 

Does God care about his heart. 

this is really a late night musing. 

I NEED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL AND BE SUPER DREADFUL TIRED. or else my mind wanders like a dementia patient, going back in circles.