“A woman who will be like a rock in a riverbed, enduring without complaint, her grace not sullied but shaped by the turbulence that washes over her.”

- Khaled Hosseini, ‘A Thousand Splendid Suns', 2007.

 I couldn't see it. But God came through for me. 

It's not a mighty story, but one from a weak and humbled place. 

I always underestimate the time needed to do my work and still wanting to honor my commitments with people, I put myself in a tough spot. But God sent the rain and everything was cancelled, allowing me to carve out time to finish my work and rest early. 

I marvelled at the God who sees me and helps me. 

God sees the single woman celebrating at a friend’s wedding, lonely and longing for her own. God sees the wife who suffers abuse at her husband’s hand, feeling devoid of ways to address it. God sees the youth abused by the authorities in her life. God sees the single mom overwhelmed by the needs of her children and herself. God sees us when we are depleted, undone, and afraid.

https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/god-sees/

 It was an irrelevant reply and weirdly, a symbolic one. And I hated to say that. 
I didn't even think about it much. 

Ezekiel's wife died. 

I don't know how he deals with it and how he is not suppose to grieve like all the other men and instead, fastened his turban, eat normal food and groan softly. That's what God told him to do. In fact, God specifically said that He was going to take awy the delight of his (referring to Ezekiel's eyes) which obviously means that his wife was a precious darling to him. 

And so why? 

I don't know 

What about Ezekiel's feelings and heartbreak and sorrow and pain?

Does that matter? 

Isn't he a human with all those feeling. 

Does God care about his heart. 

this is really a late night musing. 

I NEED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL AND BE SUPER DREADFUL TIRED. or else my mind wanders like a dementia patient, going back in circles. 

 Today, I missed a relief.

Panicked like mad, I think my voice changed into something that of a  high pitched maniac. 

But then, the Chinese HOD, in-charge of today's relief texted me saying that "its not entirely my fault' 

yes, it is entirely my fault. 

And then, another teacher told me not to rush and be safe. 

I am not even that nice to anyone. 

Thankful for such an amazing group of teachers that I get to see everyday, not exactly everyday since we are on HBL.

Sometimes, it's the small things that matter. 

Is life suppose to feel this way? Am I missing something? Are the skies and the stones trying to tell us that the big mystery that we are awaiting is nothing except for stillness. And like the clouds, we are moving aimlessly to find the next beautiful thing when we realise that nothing is ever going to be good enough. 

Enough of the soppy post haha. 

Being thankful 101

My new macbook is here, very indulgent me installed office. 

I got to share some stuff with my Rachi and it was good to get some stuff off my chest 

Listening to today's sermon and am loving the verses in Isaiah 58. 

Tomorrow starts another week of HBL and thus, much rest.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “

As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

 I miss making spontaneous decisions, now, everything has to be so well planned, like a robot. Like where to travel or can I afford it or what should I say and which friend to hang out with or if my tennis lessons can go on, during this pandemic. 

Siannnnnnnn. 

That's how I feel. Siannn about everything. 

Supposed to take a long walk today to lower Seletar but laziness got the best of me. And now I need to think of fun things to do instead of mopping around in bed. 

Also, a very lovely day today, wind speeds were were sweet. Yesterday wind speeds were crazy, it blew down our laundry. 

I am also feeling a bit tired of being the middle person, the nice person amongst family, especially family and then between friends. But it's necessary for general well-being. 

Such a beautiful morning, this morning, to be doing work at home, at the Balcony, wondering about life and waiting to sip coffee at Ya Kun. 

Such is life. 

Wondering what God's plan is for me. 

Realising that I need a lot of wisdom on how to live my life.

Thinking if I should restart keto diet because obviously it worked and I genuinely did not feel as hungry. 

ooo, and looking forward to a new macbook and hopefully it would allow me to share screen and thus, be more confident when presenting my work. 

Also, the hard truth is that at the end of the day, there's only Jesus. 

Everyone has to prepare to be alone.

And also that everything in the world is temporary. 

 My favourite movie of all time. 

I love the script. And here are some of the amazing heart-tugging quotes

Tim's Mother: Its very bad for a girl to be too pretty. It stops her developing a sense of humor, or even a personality.

Tim's Father: I'd only give one piece of advice to anyone marrying. We're all quite similar in the end. We all get old and tell the same tales too many times. But try and marry someone kind. And this is a kind man with a good heart

Tim Lake: The truth is, I now don't travel back at all. Not even for the day. I just try to live every day as if I've deliberately come back to this one day to enjoy it as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life
Tim Lake: This is such a weird joke.

Idealistic, practical, creative and can get depressed easily. 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

LOL

https://www.instagram.com/p/CUJ2gIUMScC/

 

Went back to yishun this morning for the carrot cake and also, to meet my. neighbourhood aunties and uncles who have no clue what my name is but who can recognise me from a distance. To once again, feel and  breath in the musky smell of coffeeshops and carparks and homes, all packed together in a tin. To enjoy the possibility of bumping into someone familiar and making small talk. 

I think I want to try rapping. 

Huge distraction from writing a paper to critique another paper. 

But still trying my not so best to understand the paper that I am suppose to critique 

 I hate death, but I love autumn. Fresh winds of crisp air and blazing colors of glory sweep through our world like whispers of anticipated change to come.

But autumn is a death—the end of newborn spring and prolonged summer—as even leaves fall onto the ground to be buried alongside us.

In both the desolation and the beauty, I’m learning that my appreciation for a season of weather can cultivate my appreciation for a season of life too. 

We anticipate, celebrate, and rejoice in autumn for many of the same reasons we can take heart and find hope even in the season of death. 

https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/autumns-comfort-grieving/

 Might be weird for me. 

Thank you God for a friend to share this with. 

Also, I thought it was going to happen next week and then, was corrected about the date. 

Am going to mask my true feeling under a quote because I really don't know how to feel about it. 

But decided not to. 

Am going around in cryptic circles. 

Will not dance to its tune.

 This generation promotes its own ideals and often is not satisfied until Christian love what it loves and hate what it hates. 

The “gender” song plays throughout society:

Boys can be girls, and girls can be boys;
We are our maker — our bodies, our toys.

The flute celebrates homosexuality:

It’s brave to be different; it’s okay to be you.
Boy and boy, girl and girl? — it’s called “marriage” too.

A dirge plays at the gravesite of masculinity:

While forever grateful, we’ve no need to pretend
That Eve still needs Adam or this world needs men.

Meanwhile, the lament of self-proclaimed victimhood sounds forth:

Racism, sexism, and hidden aggression,
Turn left or turn right, all I see is oppression!

And of course, they softly play the soothing abortion lullaby:

It is not a baby — don’t feel any shame.
It hasn’t a voice or a smile or a name.

The point is not that this world is unbroken by sin — including actual racism, sexism, injustice, and more. Rather, the point is that this generation, in total rebellion to the kingship of Jesus Christ, arrogantly seeks to enforce its view of right and wrong upon his people. The world desires, as it did with the Baptist and the Messiah, our allegiance.

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/why-wont-you-dance 

 This song is stuck in my head, like a freaking ear worm 

Lyrics

Yesterday
All my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Suddenly
I'm not half the man I used to be
There's a shadow hangin' over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly

Why she had to go, I don't know, she wouldn't say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday

Yesterday
Love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Why she had to go, I don't know, she wouldn't say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday

Yesterday
Love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday
Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm

 “Do you want a happy life? It’s not complicated. Tell the girl you love her, that you love her and tell everyone the truth whenever you can” – John Lennon

 I haven't written here for some time, or more like, have not drown my thoughts and feelings in this space. It is that I have grown up? 

Still in the pandemic and have somewhat gotten used to this "new normal" (disliking this catch phrase, yet am employing it, well certainly, it has become the new normal); trying to live my life and having new problems and stresses while experiencing new wonderful things. Well, please do not ask me what they are, especially the new wonderful things, that would take some time. 

Yes, I know, the pessimistic in me has matured. Ah, But I blame it on the state of the world. 

But I am always reminded that God is watching, knowing, listening, ministering and being with su. He is my God. 

To Trust

 I will trust my saviour Jesus

When my darkest doubts befall
Trust Him when to simply trust Him
Seems the hardest thing of all

I will trust my saviour Jesus
Trust Him when my strength is small
For I know the shield of Jesus
Is the safest place of all

Jesus, only Jesus
Help me trust You more and more
Jesus, only Jesus
May my heart be ever Yours

I will trust my saviour Jesus
He has said His way is best
And I know the path He's chosen
Leads to everlasting rest

Oh on that cross, how it was seen
I can go now ever trusting in the One who died for me
What could I bring, for Your gift is complete

I Will Trust My Saviour Jesus

CityAlight

He is not the same. He is being consumed by what he consumes — he drowns in innocent trifles. Though the content is not criminal, his mind dulls. His appetites shrivel. His finger-joints grow sore and his eyes ache from all the texting, scrolling, clicking, and watching. This pandemic has provided a tremendous opportunity — one a demon could not resist.

Despite your sighing, he remains caught, even now, in a fierce strength, a hideous strength, a most suffocating strength — a strength of, well, nothing.

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/bored-to-death

 The interconnectedness of it all. 

It sucks to be so sad to think that you are sad of being sad. 

And its very saddening. 

And I think of other things. 

At the same time, there in the dry ground grows a beautiful plant and not a flower because I think plants are underrated and truly more inspiring. That plants reminds me to be contented and more importantly grateful for all the good things that He has blessed me with. 

https://thenoblehome.tumblr.com/post/186644395210

 The rest of our life stretches before us like a timeline, and as we consider the future, we’re full of wistful if-onlys and fearful what-ifs. How will I cope financially? Where will I spend the holidays? Who will choose my care home? Will I always feel this lonely? What about when all my friends start having kids (and then grandkids)?

When looking down the timeline fills us with dread, it’s time to shift our gaze. Lamentations 3:22–23 tells us,

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
     his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
     great is your faithfulness.

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/can-you-be-content-with-singleness-today 

 ALREADY 30 

SO FAST

DOESN'T FEEL THAT BAD

  Read an article titled ' 5 Reasons You Shouldn't Freak Out When You Turn 30' 

The author was trying to be encouraging. 

https://summerdaes.tumblr.com/post/649722722045378560

 Another favourite quote from a book that I didn't really like. 

“We don't have a plan, we just do our best to get through the day, because there'll be another one coming along tomorrow.”
― Fredrik Backman, Anxious People

 “Because the terrible thing about becoming an adult is being forced to realize that absolutely nobody cares about us, we have to deal with everything ourselves now, find out how the whole world works. Work and pay bills, use dental floss and get to meetings on time, stand in line and fill out forms, come to grips with cables and put furniture together, change tires on the car and charge the phone and switch the coffee machine off and not forget to sign the kids up for swimming lessons. We open our eyes in the morning and life is just waiting to tip a fresh avalanche of "Don't Forget!"s and "Remember!"s over us. We don't have time to think or breathe, we just wake up and start digging through the heap, because there will be another one dumped on us tomorrow. We look around occasionally, at our place of work or at parents' meetings or out in the street, and realize with horror that everyone else seems to know exactly what they're doing. We're the only ones who have to pretend. Everyone else can afford stuff and has a handle on other stuff and enough energy to deal with even more stuff. And everyone else's children can swim.”

― Fredrik Backman, Anxious People

 My point is this: if your family is not the epitome of harmony, take heart. God specializes in redeeming messes. See yours as an opportunity for God’s grace to become visible to your loved ones and pray hard that God will make it happen.

 But there’s a deeper purpose at work in this mess. The Bible’s main theme is God’s gracious plan to redeem needy sinners. It teaches us that what God wants most for us is that we 1) become aware of our sinfulness and 2) our powerlessness to save ourselves, as we 3) believe and love his Son and the gospel he preached, and 4) graciously love one another. And it turns out that the family is an ideal place for all of these to occur.

- https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/gods-mercy-in-messed-up-families

 The hardest thing about reaching 30 is not knowing what God has planned out for me. 

God reminded me through John 10 that He is my good shepherd. 

He does not need to climb over the fence or sneak in. He can confidently walk into the sheep pen through the gate, which the watchmen will open for Him. Unlike humans who have binocular vision; sheep have a narrow field of binocular vision and a wide peripheral field of monocular vision, hence not having good depth perception. However, most animals and including sheep have a well developed sense of hearing and thus, "the sheep listen to his voice" (verse 10:3b). Also, the shepherd knows His sheep by name and would lead them out. 

I guess in application and through reflection, I have to accept my place as a sheep, with terrible depth perception; perception of the future but have the potential to have good hearing. More importantly, there is a good shepherd who knows me and will lead me as I hear this voice and follow me. 

In to the unknown 

Sometimes, it's so comfortable to be where you are. Literally, I am not moving although we were instructed to move back to the staffroom. But I think that in some way, its a reflection of my life. I know it's time to move and be free and in some weird illogical and immature way, I want to be in exactly where I am. ohman. 

Okay, today, I am moving. 

It's gonna be so weird and hard and uncomfortable. 

Terrible posts these days.